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04 October 2013

How Migraines Changed Me



Having migraines definitely makes life a little bit more challenging.  You can never seem to get used to the level and intensity of the pain that threatens to annihilate every part of your brain.  No matter how long you have suffered from migraines, each attack knocks the wind out you.  It even feels like the migraine is trying to snuff you out because the pain is so bad.  As if it has a deadly vendetta against you.  Experiencing these on a weekly basis for many, many years takes a huge toll on a person's psyche, body, and self-image.  So, how has living with migraine and chronic migraine changed me?

I used to be more ambitious and motivated.  I enjoyed travelling and going out.  I was physically able to do more.  I had more confidence and a better sense of self.  On the surface it can appear to look like a fairly unobtrusive inconvenience.  But underneath that, my brain and body are stuck in a horror movie.  Living with this particular type of chronic pain makes me feel like I'm stuck in some kind of hell or in a twisted version of the movie Groundhog Day.  Not much changes from day to day.  I feel like at any moment my brain will hijack the day and keep me hostage in my bed and in the dark for all eternity.  That provides a pretty significant level of anxiety because I am always concerned that something (a smell, food, noise, or change in weather) will bring on an attack.  Then my day is ruined.  Therefore, I go through each day as if walking on eggshells trying to avoid triggers as much as possible.  Over the years, this has worn on my confidence and self-esteem.  When I look in the mirror I don't see a strong and independent person.  I see a sick and down-trodden individual who has lost her sense of self and who is lacking in the self-worth department.

Daily life with migraines has turned me into a recluse.  I don't like to venture outside of my house because too many triggers exist in the world.  I have controlled my environment indoors enough so that the exposure to most triggers is eliminated.  Once I step outside, that barrier disappears.  I'm exposed to fumes, loud noises, bright lights, chemicals, smoke, weather, etc.  Driving is a big trigger, especially at night.  The glare from oncoming traffic is the worst.  Going to the store is not fun anymore.  All of the fluorescent lighting and fumes coming off of the electronics make me light-headed, dizzy, nauseous and clammy.  I can't go out for drinks because alcohol has become a huge trigger for me.  I try to exercise but I always wind up with an exertion headache afterward that turns into a full blown migraine a few hours later.  Going to the movies gives me terrible migraines so that's something I rarely do.  Swimming in pools gives me migraines too so I spend summers by the poolside watching everyone else enjoy the cool water.

All of these interfering factors make me feel isolated from things that I should be able to enjoy.  And since I am limited in what I can do, I have become a tad bitter.  But mostly, it makes me sad and knowing that I can't enjoy these things anymore is a big disappointment.  I have had migraines for as long as I can remember but I used to be able to do way more and enjoy more in life.  I hope to one day be able to live like I want to.  Whether that will happen soon, I don't know and I'm not expecting for it to be that way anyway.  My life will always be different and lived with limits.  It's learning how to live the fullest life within those limits that will empower and uplift me.

1 comment :

  1. Hi Cameron! I'd be more than happy to answer any questions you have. Feel free to send me an email to livingmigrainebrain@gmail.com. I look forward to chatting with you! Take care.

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