The Ugly Truth About Depression

"I'm so tired of waking up wanting to burst into tears because of how depressed and unhappy I am. Even in my dreams, I fight depression, stress, and anxiety. The tight grasp that this disease has on me is asphyxiating. Each day I'm in a battle that I feel like I'm losing. About every two weeks I crash into a hopeless pit of desolation.  Saturday was my most recent downward spiral. Nothing, not even the love of my family, brings me out of it. It's such a horrible place to dwell in on a daily basis. I'm tired of having to need therapists and psychiatrists. I don't want to put another antidepressant into my body.  I am so stressed. I have no confidence or faith in myself. I just have one desire. To sleep and not have to wake up. Morbid, yes. But it's what I want. I can't deal. I'm scared, anxious, and paranoid all the time. The more I write about it the worse I feel. This is supposed to be cathartic. Instead it's causing me to feel more hopeless." - December 2, 2013

That was me two months ago.  I was Eeyore... in a very dark, depressing, and isolated place every day.  Month after month since my last suicide attempt (you can read about it here) I have been struggling with a crazy assortment of emotions.  I lived in my bedroom and under the covers.  Wishing that I could sleep through the rest of my life.  I hated going out and being around people.  I still kind of do at times.  Yes, it's been almost 14 months since it happened, but it still feels like it was yesterday.  So many aspects of my life has changed.  My world was turned upside down.  New obstacles and anxieties have cropped up that have made life for me very difficult.  Everything, even the smallest and most insignificant thing, creates paralyzing anxiety which jump starts the depression roller coaster.  My rational side knows that I should really be on an antidepressant to treat my depression and anxiety.  At this point, I have chronic depression or Dysthymia (Dysthymia (Chronic Depression) – Signs, Symptoms, Treatment - HealthyPlace).  But I have acquired a fear of antidepressants because the last one I was on caused me to try and kill myself.  I have a lot of anxiety about seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist because of my experience in the hospital.  I was treated like a drug addict, crazy and unstable, all of which I wasn't.  So now I fear going into places or seeing people that represent those things.

I have a phobia of medications and anything having to do with the treatment of mental illness.  I can't seem to get myself to the point of going to see someone for treatment.  Every time I think I'm okay with getting back on medication and going to counseling, I get a panic attack and my thoughts are fixated on what happened while I was hospitalized.  I become crippled with fear.  It's a terrible cycle of events.  I have been able to talk more openly about it recently and have tried to focus on the positive parts of my life.  That has helped, along with not letting things out of my control bring me into a state of panic.  It's a challenging exercise but I'm getting better at it.

Over the past two or three weeks, my focus has been on getting healthy.  I completed a three-day detox, did a gallbladder/liver flush, and have been making my own water kefir* to help support a healthy immune system.  My progress is slow but (hopefully) steady and soon I will get to a place where I am not so scared anymore.  At this time, I am not ready but it's not as scary as it was two, four, or six months ago.

*I plan on making a post on the benefits of kefir and how to make it soon!