The Migraine Diva: #MHAMBC Day 25 - Who Are You Calling Lazy?

Our challenge prompt today is:

This short video goes to bat for the “lazy people” who resist the change they dream of, and why they might not actually be lazy at all! What do you think about the intriguing research discussed here, and what do you think you would do if you’d participated in the study? Do you think this explains how you act when you’re in the middle of a headache or migraine attack?

This video hits the nail on the head about how I truly feel. I may look like I am being lazy sometimes but the truth is that I am physically and mentally exhausted. I need to exhibit a lot of self-control every day. My brain is constantly scanning for potential triggers and preparing ways to avoid them. I have to will myself not to eat the wrong things and stick to my gluten-free diet. At different times of the day, depending on how or what I am feeling, I need to distract my mind from dwelling on any negative or self-deprecating thinking. Bouts of pain and Migraine attacks force me into a state of limitation. I must reserve any energy I have for a really important task, otherwise, I take the risk of burning myself out and becoming utterly useless.

exhaustion.
(Photo credit: jessicalsmyers)

Most of the time, all of these things occur within a matter of minutes. Boy is it mentally draining! I become so exhausted to the point where all I want to do is just lay in the bed and do nothing. I feel spent mentally and emotionally which in turn fatigues my body. Frequently, I power through that exhaustion which in turn, leaves me in high pain and with high stress. On the outside looking in, I look like a lazy person who stays in bed a lot. I can understand that misrepresentation, but that is not the case. I am constantly working at avoiding or minimizing things in my life. A few minutes inside of my head would tire anybody out.

I need to do the laundry. I need to buy groceries. I need to lose weight. I must avoid gluten, soy, dairy, and sugar. Oh, don't forget to make the kefir! I should email my doctor about this sciatic pain but I don't want anymore pain medication. Should I ask for physical therapy? But I don't have a car and making it to appointments is a crap shoot these days. I want to take my kids to the pool and the park. But they need new bathing suits. Something else to buy when I already feel bad about not being able to work. How many days this week will it rain? My family is in town... Will I be able to get through their visit without a Migraine?

That isn't even half of what circulates through my head and just typing it exhausts me. I live a life of high stress mostly due to the fact that I can not predict when or where I will be knocked down by pain. Every day has the potential for pain. Especially over the past month with this new pain intrusion of my sciatic nerve. Thank God my mother brought me some dōTERRA oils. The Deep Blue has allowed me to make it through my daughter's party and then some. My lower back, buttocks and leg still hurts but it's been manageable with the oil. Next week we are supposed to travel to Buffalo, New York to my mother-in-law's for the Fourth of July. My birthday is on the second and will most likely be our travel day. Long car rides are huge fibromyalgia flares. I dread them so much and am not too happy knowing that there is the possibility of enduring one on my birthday. I am usually reduced to tears by the second or third hour in the car when there are four to five hours left to go. I may very well need to get a refill of Norcos just to manage the car ride. Everything that occurs in my life revolves around the possibility of pain. It is way too enormous of an issue to skirt around.

When you catch me just doing nothing, don't judge me. I am constantly doing everything in my power to try and control the day's outcome. I am always pacing myself throughout the day in order to not provoke pain. My life may appear to be a simple one. Not working, being a stay-at-home mom and a housewife all sound luxurious. Maybe for some it is, but it isn't for me. I would rather be capable enough to work and to feel independent. Last time I checked, no one liked feeling like a burden, financially or emotionally. I enjoy being around for my kids whenever they need me, but I am not physically able to always do the things they want to do. Having the responsibilities of marriage and child-rearing on top of having a dysfunctional brain and body is quite the challenge and spirit killer. There is always the need to work through things in order to achieve a somewhat normal and fulfilling life. I really never get a break from it all. Having numerous chronic pain conditions has made me paranoid and skeptical and more pessimistic than I would like to be.

If you ask me, I am entitled to a few days where I don't want to do a thing or face reality. I wish that guilt wouldn't set in whenever I needed a break from the chaos though. The game of life isn't a fair one and when illness is a major player in it, the rules seemed skewed in the opposition's favor. Pain wins out plenty of times and I am left feeling broken and dejected. The desire to overcome is sometimes squalored and the dream of change becomes more distant and less attainable in those moments of pain. During those times, there is no energy left for me to expend towards those things. All I am left with is the fact that I am spent beyond limits and can not move another inch forward toward any goal. I constantly fear being seen as lazy by my husband and children. I can't always expect them to understand that even though I look okay, I am far from it and am to the edge of breaking. I wouldn't wish what I must endure on my worst enemy.

I do a lot despite all of the obstacles that have been hurdled at me. I always like to ask the question as to whether any able-bodied human being could handle my life as well as I do. Probably not. Even my husband says to me that he couldn't deal with what I have to live with on a daily basis and that I am incredibly strong for doing so. I am not lazy. I am just an extremely exhausted human being who has to work very hard at attaining half of what "normals" take for granted and do with ease.