It's June and that means it is National Migraine & Headache Awareness Month! Get ready for 30 days of new blog posts, all geared toward Migraine and headache disorders. I know that it's been quite some time since my last post. Participating in this year's blogging challenge is a great way for me to get back into writing. This year's theme is, “Dreaming of a World without Headache and Migraine.” To find the cause of and have a cure for Migraine and all other Headache disorders would be a dream come true. After living so many years with this disorder and knowing of so many others who suffer daily, the possibility of having permanent relief and cessation of pain would be the ultimate blessing from my biggest prayer request.
To kick off this blogging challenge, the first prompt is centered around the theme. It’s been said that patients who are able to talk about what they would do without their Headache or Migraine, tend to be less depressed and more hopeful. Some patients have lost the ability to dream about their lives without the present taking hold and destroying their ability to dream of something better. “What would you do if your dream of a pain and a completely symptom free life, came true?”
I have answered that question hundreds of times in my head and in conversations with my family. If I was able to live a pain and symptom-free life, there would be so many things I would do. I could exercise freely. Eat whatever I wanted without the fear of food triggers. The weather wouldn't ruin my day, week or month. I wouldn't feel limited and constrained due to pain and the unrelenting symptoms. Most importantly, I wouldn't feel the guilt of burdening my family or feel inadequate as a wife and mother. Yet, when I try to envision a life without pain I have a hard time identifying with who this pain-free individual would be. Granted, my pain disorders do not define me. However, Migraine has been in my life from childhood. It has been with me through every defining moment. Dealing with an almost life-long disorder has definitely shaped my character and outlook on life.
You can say that I am riding the fence on what I would do and how I would feel having a life without pain. Talking about what I would do without my Migraine and Chronic Migraine does make me hopeful and feel less depressed. It excites me to think of that possibility. I see promise and progress on this journey I'm on. But that eventually leads me to think of how I would feel without pain. Would I fully embrace it or would I be fearful that it would somehow return? Would I take full advantage of this new life or walk on eggshells? At the end of the day, all I want for myself is unadulterated happiness and to find peace in whatever life has in store for me.
A pain and symptom free life would also mean that I would no longer have fibromyalgia, arthritis in my big toes, carpal tunnel, restless leg syndrome, and most importantly no more depression and anxiety. The latter cause the most difficult type of pain to live with. Emotional pain and mental anguish is much harder to heal from for me. Not having either of these illnesses would eliminate the pessimism that exists in me. Without the negative self-talk or persistent fear, I could and would eagerly embrace this new life. I suppose that is why I live on the fence and not firmly planted on either side of it.
My biggest dream has always been to not have Migraine anymore. I wished for it as an eight year old girl who laid in the dark with tears streaming out of her eyes from the severe pain she was suffering from. I wished for it during the first trimester of my last pregnancy, which was spent entirely in pain from a 90+ day Migraine. And as a thirty five year old woman trying to cope and find her place in a world that doesn't recognize her disease, I still wish for it. Living with this kind of pain disorder is like going through life with your hands and feet shackled. Not much can be achieved or accomplished when you are bound by chains. Movement, progress, and ability to function are greatly hindered. Migraine is the shackle my body is bound by. A cure is the key that can set me free.
Until the day comes where the cause of Migraine is pinpointed and a cure found, I will continue to dream of a life without pain. Those dreams are the silver lining in my clouds and although I may doubt my ability to fully embrace them, they will always be a source of hope and promise.
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