Our challenge prompt today is:
Tell us about a recurrent dream and what it might say about, or mean to your diagnosis.
When I go to sleep at night, insomnia permitting, I often do not remember what it is I dream about. I also don't have any recurring dreams but I do have a recurring theme in the ones I can remember. It seems superficial and vain but I frequently dream that I am not fat. Now, if you ask people to describe me, "fat" is not an adjective they would use. My husband certainly doesn't think I'm fat. He likes my curves. The word "fat" is used only by me because that's how I perceive my body image. To me, I feel and look fat. According to my BMI I am obese. I could stand to lose 30-35 pounds. It's very hard for me to lose weight, mainly because I'm not motivated mentally consistently enough to actually keep any weight off. If I would just get out of my own way, I might actually do it. But I get sidetracked by depression, bouts of pain from Migraine or the arthritis in my toes, and emotional eating. I'm very hard on myself for looking the way I do. You'll hardly ever see a photo of me with a full body shot. I'm embarrassed by my body.
In my dreams, I am always thinner. Sometimes, they are focused on my body and how I am able to wear things like dresses and bathing suits without any restrictions. I don't have cellulite or stretch marks to cover up or fatty arms hiding underneath long sleeves. What do these dreams say about my diagnosis? Well, for starters, I gained over 30 pounds six years ago when I was taking Lyrica as a preventative for my Migraine. Since I am an emotional eater with chronic depression, the weight gain combined with chronic daily headache, Chronic Migraine, and intractable Migraine caused me to use food to comfort the blow of my deteriorating health and growing pants size. So I gained another 20 pounds from eating my way through my feelings. I lost 20 pounds about a year and a half ago and despite changing my eating habits and taking gluten and sugar out of my diet, I have not lost any more weight.
I try to get into some sort of exercise regimen, but it's hard for me to find something that won't trigger or aggravate my pain conditions. I've had some setbacks with a bad sprain in my right foot (plantar fasciitis) that required that I wear a boot for three weeks and most recently, a very bad lower back sprain that had me in pain for three weeks. Last Thursday, the pain was so bad that it ran all the way down my right leg into my foot and caused severe numbness in my leg. I couldn't put any weight on it or feel it. At that point, I went in to see my PCP for a Toradol shot and stronger pain medication than what I was already taking. It has gotten better and I continue to do stretching exercises to help with the pain and stiffness.
My biggest hurdle truly is the depression and my lack of confidence, drive, or self-worth. Because I feel so low so often, all I want to do is just be still. Goodness, I'm depressing myself just writing this! At the moment, I am already feeling pretty bummed out about my current situation so I'm not feeling very positive as I type this. This too shall pass and I have a plan to get myself on a healthy regimen of weekly (or bi-weekly) detoxing and juicing as often as possible. My husband and I booked a cruise in 2016, so I have motivation this time to really stick to my goal and see it through to the end. I have a feasible and affordable plan that shouldn't overwhelm me. I hope that by losing at least another 20 pounds it will help with my self-esteem and lowering the frequency of Migraine attacks and fibromyalgia flare ups. I have exactly two years to do it, so I hope that I can pull it off.
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